Leaving the year behind

I was blindsided by New Year's Day the year after Ethan died. I had spent all of November and December expecting Christmas to be hard, but I hadn't braced myself for what it would feel like to leave behind the only year I held my firstborn child in my arms. The celebration of this passage of time was unexpectedly more painful than any holiday I had survived yet.

Perhaps you've found yourself here too. Perhaps entering a new year makes us feel even further from the day we last held our child. Perhaps the biggest struggle is the realization of how quickly time marches forward and how out of control we may feel. Perhaps it feels as if the world is moving full speed ahead (and celebrating this speed), while you're still trying to figure out which way is forward. 

This year may have been a year of tears. Of loss. Of wrestling and pain. This year may have been a year of healing. Of growth. Of laughter. Of changing friendships. Of love made stronger through fire. Of refining. 

We've never been in control, but we likely realize it so much more now. We can make plans and resolutions. Yet at the same time, it's wise to hold our plans with an open palm. Ultimately, we aren't the ones in control. Sometimes, our plans are thwarted in ways beyond our control.

But God. He works all things, even the heartbreaking evils of this world, together for the good of those who love Him. He holds it all in His good and powerful hands.

May we all rest in the assurance that God holds us in his hand and each of our days have been written in his book. 

Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."